"All about me" & theory of mind

All about me! 

That’s how I imagine my behaviour might seem to others, sometimes. 

It’s all about me.
It is ~ but it’s not.  

I mean, I can see how it might appear to be.  I think I can appear egocentric but I’m not egotistic.  I do bring things back to me but not in a boastful, self-important way ~ or that’s not how it’s meant.  In fact, I really have a fairly low opinion of myself, truth be known.  But I’m not here for a boost.  I’m here to give my perspective on a misunderstood, quite complex autistic trait “lacking theory of mind”. 

Lacking theory of mind means it’s really difficult for me to put myself in others’ shoes.  This doesn’t mean I can’t or don’t want to ... just that it’s really difficult.

The autistic brain doesn’t intuitively see things from another’s perspective (something that typically develops from early childhood), so doesn’t intuitively consider or interpret others’ beliefs, intentions, actions & gestures.  As a result, the default position is to relate what others do, say or might be thinking to what we know.  And that often means to ourselves, our own experiences. 

Me in Bahrain in someone else's shoes (literally!)

In other words, we don’t intuitively accept or acknowledge that others think differently ... we may learn that they do but it’s difficult for us to accommodate.  We have what Simon Baron-Cohen describes as mindblindness.

Impacts on us include: to expect others to be thinking the same as us & to know what we’re thinking; to miss deception in others (& so be vulnerable to it); to not easily be able to lie to others (even if it’s the right thing to do to make them feel better, apparently); to misinterpret comments ~ often as criticisms & a tendency to take things personally. 

It happens to me all the time but I’ve learnt to check myself ~ even if I can’t always convince myself that my instinctive response may not be accurate.

And I see it clearly in my angel fish.  

Here’s a very recent example to demonstrate how extreme & really unexpected this mindblindness, or lacking theory of mind, can be:

  One angel fish noticed Textiles didn’t appear on their timetable for the next academic year.  Their reasoning for this is that they must have been really bad at Textiles in the previous year not to be allowed to do it anymore.  Everyone else must have it on their timetable ... it’s just them who doesn’t.  Despite reassurances & evidence to the contrary & suggestions of other possible (and let’s be honest, much more likely) scenarios, the only explanation they truly believed was the “all about me” position ... that they’re not good enough but everyone else is & that’s why they’re the only person in the whole year group not doing Textiles next year.  Basically, they took a school timetabling decision personally.

It’s taken an email from the Textiles teacher to reassure my angel fish of their ability & accept the (obvious even to me) truth that they have not been singled out as being unworthy & that none of the year group have Textiles timetabled next year!

What’s sad about this trait is that it only seems to emerge in negative situations.  There's no “I must be really good at DT to have DT on my timetable next year ... I wonder if anyone else is doing DT”.  No, that scenario never seems to occur.  Or maybe it does but just doesn’t generate the same reaction so is less visible (something to look out for & think about maybe)!

Sadder still is this example demonstrates how “lacking theory of mind” ~ & a tendency to interpret negative situations especially as being “all about me” ~ can directly fuel the “low self esteem” & “low confidence” common in autistics.  In turn, imagine (as I know many can ~ more easily than I) how much effort is needed from carers to stave off self-sabotaging downward spirals of thought, how much energy is expended to just keep moving forward with the mainstream, let alone build sufficient self-belief & confidence to soar. 

A lot of wind needs to be generated, continually, beneath autistic wings.

Wind beneath autistic wings, An Affinity With A

 But back to me, after all this post is all about me: I’ve had to work really hard with a lot of self-talk & sometimes input from others to consider all the other alternatives, the other viewpoints in given situations ... or at least to keep them front of mind, because that “all about me” voice is naggingly persistent & will find a way to drown out other voices if they’re not loud, persistent or convincing enough to overcome it. 

And I can do this now but not always & it’s not always automatic.  
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Examples have included:

You ask me how I am, I think you really want to know & I tell you ... & I may well “over share”.

You say let’s meet for coffee, I think you mean it & I try to arrange it & if it doesn’t happen I think it’s because you didn’t really want to & I wonder why you asked.

Being gullible ~ I won’t be specific for fear of upsetting anyone who may have been complicit!

I see a group of people laughing & I think they’re laughing at me & I dwell on it.

I interrupt you because I’ve misread the cues & thought it was my turn to talk (plus I’m super keen to show I understand & to share my perspective!!).

Social anxiety, generally.

I may have misinterpreted or missed altogether “the signals” ~ if so, I’m so sorry :/.

You won’t ever hear me say “I” instead of “we” or take credit for someone else’s work or idea.

And I share ideas freely, expecting others to give credit where credit is due ~ I don’t think to be cautious.

You might hear me ask if you’re joking or being serious.

I assume you don’t want to know me, include me, involve me unless you specifically do or say otherwise so I’m very unlikely to make the first move.

I start talking mid thought process expecting you to know what I’m talking about.

Logic told me I couldn't be the worst parent ever, even when my child was the only child "not coping" ... but that's the only explanation I had so I just kept trying to be a better & better parent even though they still couldn't cope.

Someone writes something that has nothing to do with me but triggers a train of thought about a situation relating to me.  They write something else & I interpret it as a message to me because of the thoughts the first piece triggered.

If you're not my boss, my teacher, an acknowledged expert or I haven't asked, I may take being told what to do as a criticism.

I’m sorry to say, (too much) alcohol was my crutch in many a social situation.

Other faux pas/situations I’m not yet ready to commit to type ... but one day I might.
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Actually it can be much easier not to make it all about me in some work situations ~ if that’s how I’m expected to think in the role ~ for example, in marketing or customer orientated roles (my background) where it’s part of the job description to consider things from the customer’s perspective.  And because that was the rule (& we autistics like our rules ~ they provide certainty & structure) I did it & I did it extremely well, religiously even, to the exclusion of other viewpoints, such as personal professional gain & workplace politics (the pros & cons of which I may expand upon in a future post!).  For me, the customer genuinely always did come first ... & it was very difficult for me to accept others’ thinking if they hadn’t evidenced the same motivation!

In this, and other situations explicitly relating to others, I can be pragmatism personified, or I suppose detached even (another perceived autistic trait), ie when it’s very clearly not “all about me”.  And, in these situations, I often find myself prompting others to consider the alternative perspectives.  This ability further honed by becoming ever less judgemental, as a consequence of dealing with the adverse effect of inaccurate or unfair judgement.  In some ways, my family & friends are my “customers”.

However, in different circumstances again, I have been guilty of appearing to make others’ situations “all about me”.  In an attempt to demonstrate empathy (a trait assumed lacking in autistics), I’ve often referenced my own comparable experiences.  It’s a genuine attempt to show I understand but being “unusually observant” (yet another trait), I see the suppressed eye rolls & lip bites so I’m always quick to articulate “but it’s not all about me” & verbally pass the discussion baton back to the person I’m attempting to empathise with, albeit inappropriately (according to my basic counselling education, “comparing” is a method of empathising best avoided so you won’t catch me doing this so often any more!).  In my autistic defence, & in my head, relating others’ situations to my own served to process & confirm my understanding, to show I’m listening & to prepare to help ... but I acknowledge this is best achieved through other means!!

It seems to me it’s this lack of theory of mind, & the behaviours or responses generated, which may lead autistics to be misinterpreted by some as being selfish, cold, uncaring, lacking empathy, self-centred, unsociable or socially inappropriate.  But this isn't necessarily the case (or intended).  It’s just we instinctively relate to ourselves, we take things personally, as I’ve explained.

So when people say things like “don’t take things personally” or “it isn’t personal”, to autistics actually, it often is (or feels like it is).  In fact, to quote Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan) in You’ve Got Mail (because it always resonates with me):

“What is that ‘It’s not personal’? 

.... It’s personal to me.”

So please don’t criticise me for this (if you were ~ maybe you weren’t!).  I really can’t help it & I have to work pretty hard to adjust my thinking & to accommodate others’ thinking.  And I hope my “all about me” reactions are seen as a genuine response on my part, rather than self-serving, even if they make me prone to gullibility, over sensitivity, paranoia even.

On the plus side, there is no side to me, I don't play mind games & I won't bitch about you (although I might complain ~ at length ~ if I believe I've been unfairly or mis treated) & I will always do my best for my family, my friends, my teams (when working) & people I think I can help. 

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 To help me & other autistics:

Involve me in decisions that affect me.

Be open & honest & clear with me.

Be straight with me.

Be patient.

Say what you mean & mean what you say.

Understand, if I’m not looking you in the eye it’s probably because I’m thinking & processing.

Don't tell me what to do directly (unless you're one of the aforementioned) but depersonalise, so you may talk about what you or someone else does &, if it's relevant, I'll take from that.

Know it IS personal to me (until or unless I can rationalise otherwise).

Know my opinion of myself is not high enough to really be thinking it’s “all about me”.

Lots of positive feedback please!!
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Really, we should just all be kind ~ what benefits us, benefits everyone.

Finally, a care point: I have focussed on only a part of the theory of mind concept & I am no expert.  Theory of mind also links to literal thinking & interpretation & obviously contributes to, & impacts on, the social difficulties of autism & I’ve only really eluded to these.  There are a number of elements of theory of mind that transpire at different stages of typical child development that are delayed or lacking in autistics.  Differences in theory of mind is a key factor in autism.  It can also be lacking in individuals for other reasons but how that manifests & how it may be supported may be different.  For anyone wanting to read more complete texts, here are some links to articles from trusted sources, found on a quick internet search (shortest first!):

Autism & Theory of Mind via Seattle Children's Hospital Autism Blog

Theories of the Autistic Mind via The British Psychological Society's The Psychologist 

Theory of Mind by Tony Attwood via his website

Theory of Mind & Autism: A Review by Simon Baron-Cohen, University of Cambridge

Theory of Mind via Wikipedia

And it's the subject of Simon Baron-Cohen's book, Mindblindness ~ which I haven't read so won't comment on further but it does have some very good reviews!