Castles and Quiches

I was filled with dread as more of my angel fish transitioned from the safety of their petting zoo to a nearby animal sanctuary last September.

It’s not an aquarium just for angel fish, or even a pond or a lake for all fish.  And it’s not a safari park or zoo.  (I know because I've visited them all!)  But there are squirrels & a myriad of species welcome at this particular animal sanctuary.

I was filled with dread because moving from a petting zoo to an animal sanctuary can be disproportionately unsettling for angel fish.  Changes & surprises are particularly scary & anxiety inducing to angel fish.  And all that moving around from pen to tank, getting to know all those new animal handlers & all those new rules, mixing with the big fish, big squirrels & other big species, learning to be more independent ... well, it's really hard work, keeping it all together AND learning at the same time!

But this particular animal sanctuary is a hidden gem of a place, in my opinion.  Caring & talented animal handlers guide, teach & encourage the angel fish, squirrels & other species lucky enough to be there, in my opinion.

For angel fish, it’s particularly challenging.  Mistakes are made.   But they are helped to move on from these mistakes.  Everyone works together, with genuine concern & interest, to learn from these mistakes ~ to understand the underlying cause & to try to prevent a reoccurrence.  Not all angel fish are so fortunate.  Not all angel fish find themselves in places where their angel fish ways are understood & supported.  When they are, their confidence & self-belief reignites & grows.  

And this has been evidenced by some truly joyous moments recently ~ so much so I could have swum with the salmon & danced with the dolphins!

I cannot describe the relief & sheer joy of hearing one angel fish say "let's list all the things I'm good at" (angel fish can often think they’re pretty “useless” even when presented with evidence to the contrary) ... of witnessing another angel fish deciding to have a go at something new ~ something they didn't have to do but wanted to do (angel fish often avoid trying new things, fearful of failure, of not being good enough, of not being perfect or looking foolish) ... of seeing your angel fish swim home with head held high, proud of what they've made (curtain walled castles & quiches to name but two) ... of hearing your angel fish pronounce “it’s like you always say mum: if you do what you love, you’ll love what you do” (my long standing, non original mantra).  A mantra that is particularly pertinent to angel fish who can often find it difficult to engage.  It’s why it’s so important to help them find things they enjoy & to use those interests to connect, to engage with other "less appealing" but often necessary activities.

So, while I worried that the animal sanctuary might be too much for these angel fish, currently they are actually benefitting from the wider range of activities on offer & from what seems to be a standardised approach to fun, adapted lesson plans, making those activities more accessible (more angel fish friendly &, actually, still friendly & accessible to all species). 

And we are amassing content for their achievement books (started at a time when self-esteem was low to evidence ability, evidence the good days, evidence the “can dos”, evidence their talents).

I know we're not out of the woods yet ... nor would we want to be as, one day, these little angel fish will be big angel fish & they will need to know how to survive in the wild, wild woods ... in the great lakes, the deep blue seas & the rolling plains.

But I'm feeling hopeful.  

And I'm feeling thankful that these angel fish attend an animal sanctuary that seems to be a good fit for them ... & for me.

Curtain Walled Castle by An Affinity with A

Actually Also Autistic

So, here goes.  I am no longer an autism amateur.  Instead, it seems, I have much more of an affinity with autism than I first thought.  So much so, in fact, that I might even venture to claim I’m a bit of an autism expert, actually!

Because I’m actually also autistic.*

So diagnosed the clinical psychologist I spent several hours talking with one sunny day last September.

It’s one reason I’ve been a bit quiet here.  Not because I’m bothered by the diagnosis, or unsure of speaking about it; just because, this being the case, I want to write any future posts with the open acknowledgement that I really am speaking from a position of authority ~ at times from personal experience ~ rather than simply as a relative & observer of others.  And to mark the transition from observer to participant, I felt I needed to write this post first &, for that, I wanted to be in receipt of my final, physical diagnosis report which arrived in December.

A bit of an early Christmas present to myself, actually, as with diagnosis came insight, understanding & acceptance.  Not that it was a surprise to me.  The more I'd been learning about autism the more I was recognising myself & the more true my acknowledged “affinity with a” became!

Why bother with a diagnosis & why share?

Well, if I'm to continue advocating for a better understanding, acceptance & accommodation of autism, I'd much prefer to do so from a place of truth, based on fact, with clear authority.

Also, the personal benefits of diagnosis are huge & I share these in case anyone I know is asking as well as for the benefit of anyone else considering any kind of assessment of their own.

First, in short, for me, it explains everything!

In some ways I wish I'd known long before now.  It could have saved much pain & heartache ~ forewarned would have been forearmed, for sure!  But dwelling in the past is only helpful if it can make a positive difference to the future.

Herein lies a second, unexpected benefit: I can forgive myself for situations I now see arose from me operating differently.  I'm not to blame ~ I simply wasn't programmed to see the risk, interpret or assess the situation accurately.  I can stop beating myself up, use this new perspective to prepare my children & move on.

Third, I can plan for a more appropriate future, fully informed about how I operate, what I need ... & what I don’t need ... my weaknesses & my strengths.

Last, the biggest win is being able to empathise with angel fish.  Their realisation that I really do “get them”  generated a range of positive responses, from coy smiles to cheers & huge hugs.

But how come it hasn't been a problem for me?  Well, for one, times have changed rather a lot since I was their age.  And, actually, it has been a problem.  There have been lots of problems but they just weren't necessarily visible or obvious.  My diagnosis report states:

"... core difficulties ... not easily observed from the outside due to her incredible ability to mask .... She has worked extremely hard over the years to master skills & to learn & apply rules to enable her to survive the social world & to function as effectively as she does.  She is intellectually competent, verbally articulate, has perfectionistic tendencies & has strengths in noticing detail, all of which have helped her enormously in learning to mask successfully by developing compensatory strategies.  ... testament to her incredible resilience & resourcefulness."

Therein lie some talents!  I am happy with my diagnosis.  I am happy to be me.  I AM autistic.  Autism is my super power (I will credit whoever said this first when I find out who it was!) & I intend to use it!  I've shown myself to be a great observer & strategist & have super strong senses!

I've a lot, LOT more I could say on the subject but I'll wrap up for now!  I'm still experiencing many lightbulb moments about past events, conversations, experiences that I now see differently & "get", or at least wonder about.  If I've made you wonder about anything, please feel free to ask ~ I'd be more than happy to share my thoughts.

Meanwhile ... and please know this is said with kindness & comes from a place of self-preservation rather than challenge ... how you respond to this post says more about you than it does about me! (Another credit owing here.)

Finally, despite the challenges the current world presents, I can honestly say I'm so very proud of our autism rich family.

Selfie

 * I've chosen my words carefully as #ActuallyAutistic is a phrase used by many autistic commentators to join together.  I've previously interpreted #ActuallyAutistic as a bit challenging & a bit excluding of non-autistic commentators ... a bit "what gives you the right to speak on our behalf when we actually know what it's like to be autistic"?  But while writing this article, I realise the world "actually" is defined as both a "statement of truth" & as a "statement of surprise" (& I've used both in this post).  So now I don't know which was intended by the #ActuallyAutistic tag.  But, in pursuit of clarity, I think I'll make a stand for using #AlsoAutistic as a more inclusive, non-excluding term.  Because I believe there are many valid voices (autistic & non) that can come together to create volume & create change quicker.