Actually Also Autistic

So, here goes.  I am no longer an autism amateur.  Instead, it seems, I have much more of an affinity with autism than I first thought.  So much so, in fact, that I might even venture to claim I’m a bit of an autism expert, actually!

Because I’m actually also autistic.*

So diagnosed the clinical psychologist I spent several hours talking with one sunny day last September.

It’s one reason I’ve been a bit quiet here.  Not because I’m bothered by the diagnosis, or unsure of speaking about it; just because, this being the case, I want to write any future posts with the open acknowledgement that I really am speaking from a position of authority ~ at times from personal experience ~ rather than simply as a relative & observer of others.  And to mark the transition from observer to participant, I felt I needed to write this post first &, for that, I wanted to be in receipt of my final, physical diagnosis report which arrived in December.

A bit of an early Christmas present to myself, actually, as with diagnosis came insight, understanding & acceptance.  Not that it was a surprise to me.  The more I'd been learning about autism the more I was recognising myself & the more true my acknowledged “affinity with a” became!

Why bother with a diagnosis & why share?

Well, if I'm to continue advocating for a better understanding, acceptance & accommodation of autism, I'd much prefer to do so from a place of truth, based on fact, with clear authority.

Also, the personal benefits of diagnosis are huge & I share these in case anyone I know is asking as well as for the benefit of anyone else considering any kind of assessment of their own.

First, in short, for me, it explains everything!

In some ways I wish I'd known long before now.  It could have saved much pain & heartache ~ forewarned would have been forearmed, for sure!  But dwelling in the past is only helpful if it can make a positive difference to the future.

Herein lies a second, unexpected benefit: I can forgive myself for situations I now see arose from me operating differently.  I'm not to blame ~ I simply wasn't programmed to see the risk, interpret or assess the situation accurately.  I can stop beating myself up, use this new perspective to prepare my children & move on.

Third, I can plan for a more appropriate future, fully informed about how I operate, what I need ... & what I don’t need ... my weaknesses & my strengths.

Last, the biggest win is being able to empathise with angel fish.  Their realisation that I really do “get them”  generated a range of positive responses, from coy smiles to cheers & huge hugs.

But how come it hasn't been a problem for me?  Well, for one, times have changed rather a lot since I was their age.  And, actually, it has been a problem.  There have been lots of problems but they just weren't necessarily visible or obvious.  My diagnosis report states:

"... core difficulties ... not easily observed from the outside due to her incredible ability to mask .... She has worked extremely hard over the years to master skills & to learn & apply rules to enable her to survive the social world & to function as effectively as she does.  She is intellectually competent, verbally articulate, has perfectionistic tendencies & has strengths in noticing detail, all of which have helped her enormously in learning to mask successfully by developing compensatory strategies.  ... testament to her incredible resilience & resourcefulness."

Therein lie some talents!  I am happy with my diagnosis.  I am happy to be me.  I AM autistic.  Autism is my super power (I will credit whoever said this first when I find out who it was!) & I intend to use it!  I've shown myself to be a great observer & strategist & have super strong senses!

I've a lot, LOT more I could say on the subject but I'll wrap up for now!  I'm still experiencing many lightbulb moments about past events, conversations, experiences that I now see differently & "get", or at least wonder about.  If I've made you wonder about anything, please feel free to ask ~ I'd be more than happy to share my thoughts.

Meanwhile ... and please know this is said with kindness & comes from a place of self-preservation rather than challenge ... how you respond to this post says more about you than it does about me! (Another credit owing here.)

Finally, despite the challenges the current world presents, I can honestly say I'm so very proud of our autism rich family.

Selfie

 * I've chosen my words carefully as #ActuallyAutistic is a phrase used by many autistic commentators to join together.  I've previously interpreted #ActuallyAutistic as a bit challenging & a bit excluding of non-autistic commentators ... a bit "what gives you the right to speak on our behalf when we actually know what it's like to be autistic"?  But while writing this article, I realise the world "actually" is defined as both a "statement of truth" & as a "statement of surprise" (& I've used both in this post).  So now I don't know which was intended by the #ActuallyAutistic tag.  But, in pursuit of clarity, I think I'll make a stand for using #AlsoAutistic as a more inclusive, non-excluding term.  Because I believe there are many valid voices (autistic & non) that can come together to create volume & create change quicker.